How can I be kinder to myself when I don’t feel I deserve it?

There’s a question I often get asked in my coaching work that goes straight to the heart of why self-compassion can feel so difficult.

“But Bex, how can I be compassionate towards myself when I don’t feel like I deserve compassion?”

Maybe you know that feeling.

You understand the idea of being kinder to yourself. You’d encourage someone else to do it. But when you’ve made a mistake, disappointed someone or fallen short of your own expectations, different rules apply.

I should have known better.

I brought this on myself.

Being kind to myself would just be letting myself off the hook.

Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to the impact of the Inner Critic. But knowing that doesn’t magically make it feel available to you.

Here are three things to try when you could do with some self-compassion but feel like you don’t deserve it.

1. Get curious about the rule that says you don’t deserve it.

When you think “I don’t deserve compassion”, what makes that feel true?

Is it because you should have known better? Because other people have it harder? Because this is the third time you’ve made the same mistake?

Often, there’s a rule sitting underneath that feeling:

I’m allowed to struggle, as long as it’s not my fault.

I can rest once I’ve done enough.

I should be able to handle this by now.

Suddenly, basic kindness comes with a looooooong list of terms and conditions!

So, pause and ask yourself:

“What am I requiring myself to do or be before I’m allowed some understanding?”

Then consider where that rule came from.

Perhaps mistakes were met with criticism when you were growing up. Perhaps being capable became your way of earning approval. Perhaps you’ve spent years in workplaces where struggling felt like something you had to hide. You don’t need to dig up your entire life story. Just notice what you’ve learned to expect from yourself.

Then ask:

“Would I apply this same rule to someone I care about?”

Would they have to get everything right before you offered them understanding? Would you tell them they’d used up their allocation of kindness by making the same mistake twice?

If you notice a double standard, get curious about it. And if it's no longer helpful in your life, you're allowed to challenge that rule and create more flexible, helpful standards for yourself.

2. You can be compassionate AND take responsibility.

Sometimes “I don’t deserve compassion” means:

“I did something wrong, and being kind to myself would mean excusing it.”

Or perhaps:

“If I stop being hard on myself, what’s going to keep me accountable?”

Self-compassion can bring up fears and resistance, including concerns that it'll make us weak or undermine our standards. Those concerns are worth understanding.

Ask yourself:

“What am I afraid would happen if I treated myself with a little more care?”

Maybe your Inner Critic has been keeping you on a short leash for years. Trying to keep you competent and accepted. Of course loosening that leash might feel uncomfortable.

But research suggests self-compassion can support motivation to improve and make amends, not compromise it. You can acknowledge a mistake, care about its impact and do something to put it right while treating yourself decently.

For example, let’s say you interrupted someone in a meeting.

A compassionate response might sound like:

“I interrupted her, and I can see how that landed. I feel embarrassed because being respectful matters to me. I’ll apologise and give her space to finish her point next time.”

There’s accountability and a plan in that.

Beating yourself up with the narrative that “You’re a terrible person and you always ruin everything” wouldn't make the apology more sincere. There's no need for that bit.

You can hold yourself accountable without holding yourself in contempt.

3. Start small. You don’t have to convince yourself you’re worthy first.

If “I deserve love and kindness” starts an argument in your head, you don’t have to win that argument before you can do something caring.

Start smaller. Something practical. Something you’re willing to try, even while your Inner Critic is saying you don't deserve it.

That might look like:

• Eating lunch, even though you haven’t done enough to feel you’ve “earned” a break.

• Changing one sentence. From “I’m such an idiot” to “I wish I’d handled that differently. What can I learn?”

• Stepping away from the laptop for 5 minutes when you notice you’re going round in circles.

• Letting yourself feel disappointed without adding a self-lecture about how you should be more grateful.

• Asking someone for help before you’ve exhausted every possible way of doing it alone.

• Going to bed after a hard day, even though your brain wants to conduct a full performance review first.

You might still feel undeserving while you do these things. That’s OK. The caring action still counts.

Think about how you care for someone you love. Sometimes you offer comforting words. Other times you make them a cup of tea, sit beside them, or help them work out what to do next.

You can offer yourself that same practical care without delivering an inspirational speech to yourself in the bathroom mirror!

When “Am I worthy of compassion?” feels too big, try:

“What could I do in the next 5 minutes to make this a little less hard on myself?”

Have some water. Unclench your jaw. Ask for a second opinion. Give yourself a moment before responding. Literally wrap your arms around yourself for a hug. Small, ordinary acts of care are a wonderful place to begin.

I hope you enjoy finding little ways to be on your own side, especially on the days it feels hardest. Love, Dr Bex xo

References

Germer, C. (2026). Self-compassion for shame: A step-by-step guide to inner freedom. Guilford Press

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218.

Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856–867

Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Matos, M., & Rivis, A. (2011). Fears of compassion: Development of three self-report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 84(3), 239–255

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